


My Secret

by lily_zen



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Drabble, Drama, Introspection, M/M, POV First Person, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 07:45:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_zen/pseuds/lily_zen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shinya muses on the fact that he doesn't believe in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Secret

My Secret

 

Fandom: Jrock, Dir en grey

Pairing: S+K

Genre: Angst

Rating: PG-13

Archive: Ask

Author: Lily Zen

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Note: Written in 15 minutes.

 

*

 

Sometimes, I agree with Kyo. That in itself is a little frightening. It’s true though. He thinks love is a farce, a show that two people put on for each other in order to justify the primal urges they feel towards one another to themselves. Because some people just can’t bear to think of themselves as less superior to other mammals.

 

I do agree with that, most of the time, especially when I’m far away from you. Life is better that way; it’s easier to stomach.

 

Toshiya tells me I’m crazy and that I’m turning into a cynic, just like our lovely little warumono. Then he proceeds to tell me that I’m too young to be so jaded. Heh. You’re one to talk, Toshiya. You go through women like some people go through shoes. Can’t honestly believe you’re in love with each and every one of them.

 

“No, but I believe that love is a possibility.”

 

Insanity.

 

I’m not jaded. Far from it. I’m just realistic. Life is what it is and people are what we are. If love were true; the kind of soul-shattering, pulse-racing, irrational love that romance novels talk about; then why is the divorce rate so high?

 

It’s laughable, really.

 

Then you come around, and all my theories crumble to dust, lost amidst the chaos in my own mind and my inner battle.

 

*

 

“Hey, Shinya-kun, mind if I sit here?” The voice speaking to me is low, deeper than most. It’s a very distinctive tone, and immediately I know who it is. Glancing up, my eyes rake over him; his dark hair and the goatee he’d insisted on growing—god, seeing facial hair on him is weird as hell, especially considering that years ago in an interview, he’d answered that he couldn’t live without his electric razor—the t-shirt from one of our old tours, and the jeans. I shrugged, stopping my appraisal as I reached his chucks.

 

“You can if you want,” I answered finally. “As long as you don’t smoke. I’m going to die of second-hand smoke before I reach thirty with you four around.” A laugh comes from behind me, and Die pounds my seat briefly. “Hey, that’s not fair, Shin-chan. You know we all try and respect your wishes by smoking in a different room.”

 

I smile briefly and casually give Die the finger over the back of the seat, internally grateful that there aren’t any cameras filming this particular moment. No one to catch that incredible slip of character except the guys—and they’d already seen plenty.

 

Die just laughed and ruffled my hair, something that always made me frown, and Kaoru slouched down into the seat next to me, grinning. “You show him, Shinya-kun. You know, I’m still waiting for a fight to break out between you two.” I shrugged casually, fixing my hair as best I could. “Die’s like my brother—I wouldn’t beat him up.”

 

Kaoru laughed, shaking his head. “It’s obvious you’re an only child. Shinya—that’s what brothers do.” I frowned at him, but the elder just laughed. Behind me, I could hear Die playing one of his handheld video games. Toshiya and Kyo were in the far back seat, playing cards to keep each other entertained on the long ride.

 

I tried to keep quiet and unnoticeable, and ignore the pounding of my heart.

 

*

 

The concert went beautifully; all the practice and hard work paid off. It was flawless. The attention to detail really helped. I think we played better than we had in years. That’s just my opinion though. The guys all looked like they had fun. There were a lot of smiles and laughs; always a good sign.

 

At the end, I came out from behind my drum set and the roar of applause nearly bowled me over. Still, the five of us bowed and threw out souvenirs.

 

Then, as I was about to walk offstage, it happened.

 

Kaoru picked me up. Just hefted me off the ground like I weighed nothing and carried me across the stage like a princess. I felt like one. I was blushing so bad, I knew. It wasn’t that I was uncomfortable, it was just that all of the sudden the tightness in my chest was back and worse than ever.

 

It felt like centuries until Kaoru set me down again, laughing adorably. He pretended to kick me, because that’s the kind of dork he is, and then walked away. I suddenly felt empty and more alone than ever. How pathetic. It was then that Toshiya jumped on me, giggling like the maniac he is.

 

Reality came back in a flash, and I saw Die, nearly doubled over with laughter, and the crowd behind him, screaming for more. Kyo was busy drinking a bottle of water and tossing the rest into the crowd. Toshiya clambered off of me and offered me a hand up, which I took.

 

Then I was back to firmly convincing myself that love didn’t exist.

 

*

 

So, like I was saying, I don’t believe in love. Not one bit.

 

What I feel for Kaoru, that tightness in my chest, the pounding of my heart—that’s just lust. That I can control.

 

Besides, even if I did love him, he’d never love me back. Oh, he’d say it was for the good of the band or some other shit like that. The reason would be because he’s straight, or maybe because I’m just undesirable, though I know that’s not true.

 

I can go to a bar and get what I want, whenever I want it. Hell, once when we were at a restaurant, having a celebratory dinner with the crew on the success of our tour, I got one of the waiters to give me a blowjob in the storage closet. It wasn’t romantic, but it took the edge off.

 

But, back on task, I want Kaoru, yes. Will I tell him? No. Will I tell anyone? Never.

 

Why, you ask? Because it’s a secret; it’s so much of a secret, that not even anyone in Dir en grey knows I’m gay. Yes, that’s right, I’m a flaming homosexual, thank you very much. But no one knows. Funny. I wonder if they suspect at all.

 

-Fin-

 

 


End file.
